The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
