She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
