Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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