i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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