I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
