Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i think i just lost a toe
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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