So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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