Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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