I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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