two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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