I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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