it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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