i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
