Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
