Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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