She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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