highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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