I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
