Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
