Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
