Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
