Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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