finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She needs sedatives and a leash
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
