i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
