Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just cropdusted the office
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
