I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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