I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
