I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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