Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
