just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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