we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
