i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
