dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
