Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
