my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
