Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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