I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
