I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Randomize
