apparently the secret to your success is patron
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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