so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
