How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
