i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I will be naked everywhere
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
