I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
