i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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