I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
