if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
