I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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