Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
