Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
