So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
