life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You made out with two different species that night
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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