i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
